What Does a Good Night's Sleep Feel Like?

Because I honestly can't remember the last time I had one.  I'm not really complaining (okay, maybe a little or a lot) but I'm starting to wonder if this pipe dream is even possible or are we just lying to the rest of the world when we tell them we woke up completely refreshed and ready to tackle the day.  Clearly it's a problem in America, or I wouldn't see at least one article a week focusing on the subject when I'm not really seeking them out.

So let's commiserate instead of lie to one another, if only for a day.  These are just some of the things that contribute to my overall crankiness and general disdain for almost the entire human population:

I cannot turn my brain off at night.  I've tried all the tricks I've heard about or been told firsthand.  Imagine a clear blue sky and you'll pass right out.  After a  week of trying I gave up.  Avoid TV, cell phone, and computer for at least an hour before going to bed--I didn't get to sleep any faster AND I was bored.  Don't read books in bed--at least two books behind on my "want to read" list and still takes me at least 30 minutes to crash.  Warm milk?  That's just gross.  Who actually likes the way that tastes?  Avoid caffeine after 2 pm?  I really think that kept me up longer.  Go to bed and get up at the same time every day?  Is that even possible as a parent?  The list goes on and on.

I stress about work, I stress about trying to fit in going to the gym or at least getting some exercise (and I'm failing miserably at it currently).  What I didn't get done that day that I need to make sure I finish tomorrow; taking care of home repairs that have been put off; monthly finances, am I spending enough time with my daughter; with my husband; the amount of time wasted commuting and what I could be doing with it; again the reasons never seem to end.

My husband also tells me that I rarely sleep "well."  I toss and turn, groan, and generally give off the impression that I'm not comfortable or getting quality sleep when I am out.  That can't be helping.  Awesome.

Then, if I manage to get to sleep before 11, I have dreams that would probably make Freud do dirty things to himself in the corner of his office in shame.  Seriously, just this weekend there was one with a zombie apocalypse theme where I was the one who locked all the people who might have been exposed in a room to prevent the spread.  Someone else let them out, so it became this violent survival dream.  The other one I gave birth to a baby girl in a matter of minutes but then I had to get up and immediately walk around with a nurse and when I got back, the baby was a boy and my brother in law had swaddled him up and put him in a tub of shallow water to let him nap.  These weird ass dreams happen 2-3 times a week and they tend to wake me up and I can't go back to sleep.  They vary from dinosaurs setting up toll booths and eating the cars that don't pay up to a version of American History X's infamous curb scene.  They disturb me and I can't help but wonder why they're so twisted or if I need to see a professional about them.

Then let's add to the mix, just for fun, an almost two year old daughter.  Who ever came up with the term "slept like a baby" as a good thing is a damn liar and they owe me an apology. We go through our little transition periods when something changes, and I expect those.  But the poor kid ended up with my allergies, and the slightest change in weather usually means she wakes up once a twice a night coughing or sneezing.  Even if my awesome husband is the one who goes in to check on her, I'm still awake and again fighting my brain to shut the hell up.  Oh, and she does NOT sleep in.  Weekends are amazing if she sleeps until 7 before wanting breakfast.

Finally, if I didn't punish myself enough already, I get up between 5:15 and 5:30 in the morning.  I do this to make sure I can be at work by 8:00.  I personally find this completely insane but if I don't leave the house by 6:50 in the mornings, dropping off the kid at day care and cursing traffic would take an hour and a half instead of 45.  We moved to the burbs for the good schools and learned to deal with the cookie cutter houses with next to no individuality but for some reason our jobs think it's ridiculous to move with us.  How selfish.

Naps are out of the question--I've tried to take them on purpose and I feel worse than I did before I went to sleep.  They still happen sometimes on accident, with the same result. 

Yes, I know about half of this (or more) is self inflicted and part of my own crazy personality.  But I'm also convinced that people who say they're rested most of the time are lying.  And if they're not, I kind of want to punch them in the face.  So join in my Monday morning gripe-fest.  Make me feel a little less ridiculous so I know I'm not the only one in search of just one night of good sleep... if it even exists.  Tomorrow I'll go back to lying to myself when I say, "Sleep is over rated."

If You're an Ass Kisser, I Won't Like You

Today, I throw a monkey wrench in my whole customer service thing: here's where I tell you how much I loathe ass kissing.  To me there's a difference between good service and ass kissing, and my take on what those differences entail is, of course, very specific and thought out.  Your version will likely be different or you may be someone who prefers to back your rear up on a set of puckered lips.  If you're that person, you'll probably want to stop reading right now.

Since I've already gone over what good service is to me, there's no sense in spinning that wheel again.  Check it out if you haven't already--it will probably add to what I'm about to say.

Ass kissers are trying to overcompensate for the fact that all they're really trying to do is getting something out of you.  They're not trying to build a long term business or personal relationship--they see being associated with you as a way to move up in the world or weasel their way in to something they couldn't otherwise.  They're not approaching the exchange as a give and take based on trust and mutual respect--ass kissers are trying to float your ego high enough in hopes you won't notice they're taking something from you without reciprocity.

No one's a perfect judge of character, and as confident I am in my abilities to read most people I'm positive I've been wrong before.  This isn't an ego trip for me--I just genuinely dislike being showered with attention I can tell is completely fake.  It's a set up and they're trying to create a false sense of trust. I find manipulative dishonesty extremely insulting to one's intelligence.

It's the car salesman that won't talk to a woman unless a guy is there with her.  It's the restaurant manager or waiter that makes some big production about a "special" something that really costs them nothing in hopes of a 30% tip on a nice dinner.  It's the retail sales person that completely ignores you when you indicate the need for help until you flash a platinum card.  It's the sales person or account manager that you can never get a hold of once they got that initial sale after promising to follow up regularly or be hands on during the transition.  The examples are abundant.

And if you are a person who enjoys this kind of attention... why?  Are you so insecure that you need validation of your importance through false sincerity?  Do you enjoy having people bow down and serve you to acknowledge that you are a higher class of person?  Are you so lonely that you will take any kind of attention, even if it's fleeting?  Is ass kissing just how you define good service?  Is there some sort of psychological scar that makes you want to chase those kind of people and "fix" them?

I hold honesty and being genuine in high regard, so it really is difficult for me to see the other side of this coin.  But there are so many good people in the world, I just don't see the point in wasting time with the sleazeballs.  Why bother wondering if/when they're going to turn on you for a better deal?  Hell, why encourage bad behavior by enabling them?  Certainly these ass kissers wouldn't stick to it if it didn't work on enough people to make worth their while.

A Good Look in the Mirror

Women have this weird, slightly creepy habit of staring at themselves in the mirror for extended periods of time, categorizing their faults, finding new wrinkles that have appeared since their last stare session, and generally focusing on their flaws to assess what can be improved and what they need to learn to like or live with.  As a very atypical woman, even I do it.  I think it's ingrained in our genetic code.  I'm quite sure that men find this practice a little bit insane... and I don't disagree.  But it happens anyway.  Go ahead, judge me.

It's not like I can magically turn back the clock to be 22 again and wrinkle free.  I currently find plastic surgery too extreme to be a viable option, and yet I find myself staring in that mirror contemplating what can be improved upon, what I might be stressing over that's not really worth the effort, and what is a permanent change that I need to learn to accept.  What the hell is going on with my skin?  Why do I look like a teenager going through puberty this week?  Is that a gray hair?  Ugh.  With my hair in front of my shoulders I resemble a cocker spaniel.  I really need a haircut.  And so on.

I also take inventory of my personality this way.  Was I too rude to someone at work?  Should I consider changing the way I interact with another person in an attempt to get better results?  Am I really doing all the things I think I am to accomplish my goals or am I slacking and not being honest with myself?  Do I really understand the personality of an individual or am I missing an important piece that's hindering my interactions with them?

Perhaps it's my introverted nature and need for self evaluation.  Perhaps it's my competitive drive wanting to be the best "me" I can be.  It's often not a fun and affirming process.  I often find that it's not the other person that needs to adapt, but I could be doing more to make the relationship more rewarding for both sides, more effective in a professional capacity, etc. Sometimes I decide it's worth the effort to work on myself, sometimes it's not.

It's never kind to one's ego to admit you're in need of improvement.  But unlike wrinkles or the fact that your left ear is a little bit higher than your right, making your sunglasses always appear crooked on your face, you can always improve your interactions with others... if you're willing to admit you might not be doing it right. 

Admittedly, it's much easier and more convenient to place blame on others.  Especially if you're already accomplished in life, you've enjoyed a position of power for any length of time, etc.  History tells you that you've done a lot right and you've earned your position of having others ask you what to do.  But if you look at a broader history of the world, arrogance is usually a contributing factor to the downfall of leaders, civilizations, empires, governments, etc. 

I'll be staring in the mirror tonight.  Will you?

I am NOT a People Person

I have an uncle who has an amazing gift for gab.  He can walk up to anyone in a room and within 15 minutes they're best friends.  People feel at ease around him, and he genuinely seems to enjoy being around a wide variety of personalities.  I watch in awe as he walks around a room, engages complete strangers, and walks away with new friends that genuinely want to see him again.  It's a talent that eludes many of us, and is virtually impossible to explain how one goes about doing it successfully.

I can say without a doubt I do not share that characteristic.  In many ways I'm envious (benign envy?) of his obvious talents.  Professionally and often socially, I am at a disadvantage.  And no matter what self help articles or professional networking advice types tell me, it does NOT get easier with practice.

Unless I'm paired with an extroverted, inviting person, there are many awkward silences.  Conversation does not flow freely, and I know it's evident that my attempts at asking polite yet interesting questions is labor intensive.

I suppose I'm more British than American in that I am terrified of asking that one seemingly safe question and getting the bear trap answer.  I see a wedding band, so I think to ask if they're married and for how long, but I don't because I'm afraid they're going to respond by telling me their spouse died in a horrific car crash two months ago.  Or if they have any kids to hear that their teenager just got hauled off to rehab for the third time yesterday.

Or worse, I get stuck talking to someone I can't stand within five minutes.  As terrible as I am at forced social interaction, I'm even more terrible at hiding my feelings.  If I think someone is arrogant or egocentric, or just plain dull then my facial expressions and follow up questions are guaranteed to give me away.  I'l  let you imagine how that works out at industry functions.  I don't mind people disliking me, in fact many times I prefer it.  I just don't like potentially costing my company business because I can't fake a smile at the appropriate time.

I hate the open setting more than any other because I have zero clues to guide my conversation until I start talking to them.  If I meet them at their office, I can cheat and look for family pictures or evidence of hobbies, etc. and I can swing those meetings pretty well without looking like an inept buffoon.

Alas, I continue to put myself in situations where I end up leaving an event sweating, completely drained of energy, and very much wanting to crawl into a cave to avoid all human contact for at least a week.  I have an alumni event later this month that I'm forcing myself to attend.  I keep hoping that something eventually clicks and the whole process becomes a little bit easier.

Because in the end, I can't do this job or even my dream job successfully without being able to cleverly fake my way through a room full of strangers and leave convincing at least one of them that I'm personable and charming.  I keep watching my uncle in awe, but I can't take him with me to these things--I know I'd let him take the lead because it's so much easier.  And that will get me no where.

I don't have to start enjoying it--that would be unrealistic because dealing with people in general will always be "work" for me.  I just need to get to the point where people can't tell that it's work.

Great Customer Service

I really am a low key person when it comes to service.  All I expect is someone to do their job without making the customer feel like he/she's a burden.  They are getting paid, after all.  So when someone goes above and beyond my expectations I remember it.  I genuinely appreciate it.  As quick as I am to write a letter about bad behavior, I'm even quicker to do so for something extraordinary.

I had a meeting yesterday with an individual who did just that over three years ago.  He was fresh out of college and doing group sales packages for a minor league baseball team.  I called wanting to put together an employee night at the ballpark.  It was the usual interactions, all by phone and email.  So when game night came along, I wasn't expecting to see him at the door of the suite waiting specifically to introduce himself personally and make sure everything was satisfactory.  I saved the business card he gave me that night to call him directly for future events.

Fast forward 2 months.  Out of no where, I get an email from the guy letting me know he'd seen a magazine ad that featured my dad, his wife, and her new 7 series BMW and wanting to congratulate the company on the publicity.  First, thoughtful of him to remember that many details about a customer he'd worked with one time.  I asked him which magazine and if he knew where I could get a copy to get the ad framed for my dad.  He said he'd send me the copy he had.  Really didn't expect that and I was incredibly impressed.  Turns out, he didn't just mail it.  He took the time to drive it over to the office personally--I'd been out when he stopped by, but wow, that's amazing service.

I sent him a thank you email immediately, and I connected with him on LinkedIn not long after that.  This guy clearly had some excellent sales and customer service qualities.  Where ever he ends up, he's a great person to stay in touch with.

As luck would have it, a few months later my company was looking to hire a sales person.  I sent him an email right away.  He was flattered I thought of him, but he'd recently changed jobs and was really excited about the new one.  I understood and we talked briefly to see if there was a way we could use his services.  Unfortunately, the field he went into wasn't compatible with mine.  He understood, didn't press, and we agreed to keep in touch in case either of us ran across something.

Last week he sent me an email about a job fair.  I get emails like this ALL THE TIME.  "Advertise with us!  Reach over 500 prospective employees!  Blah, blah, blah."  I work in a strange industry and recruiting people isn't as simple as participating in a job fair.  Most people we recruit have never been in our industry, never realized it was an industry, and when they tell their networks where they moved they get asked why.  It's a great industry, very robust, and lots of money to be made by good people--it just doesn't scream glamor and excitement.  And it takes a very unique skill set to be successful.  Mass appeal need not apply.

Anyway, I responded back to this guy specifically because of everything he's done building up to this point.  And I'm discussing it with our HR people today to see if it's worthwhile for them.  And I'm going to get back with him quickly with a real answer.  He's done so many things for me without me ever asking, I owe him at least that much.  And THAT'S what great customer service is all about.  If you treat everyone like they really matter, and aren't just a means to an end, it will pay off.  I still want to recruit the guy for sales for our company.  With the right tools and support, he could make a major impact on our bottom line and be a stellar representative on the company's behalf.

I think it's sad how difficult it's become to find people like this.  But I do have a handful of these stories and I remember the people.  I stay in touch with them, and as a general rule I don't like many people.  I'd like to think I've helped a few people in a similar way over the years and they remember me for it.  I know of two people and one company that remembered me for work I'd done for them in the past.  That's really what it's all about.  It's almost too simple yet so hard to find in practice.

Bad Customer Service

I shop on the Internet.  A lot.  I don't know how I survived before it.  Shopping is not a social event for me--I want to get stuff quickly, quietly, and without complication.  I don't particularly like wandering around from store to store aimlessly looking without purpose to try things on in a space where 10 other women are doing the same thing while having private conversations with their "girlfriends" in the stall next to them.  I don't want to hear about your husband's foot fetish porn addiction.  Whatever happened to keeping certain things private?

The one downside to this otherwise glorious method of avoiding human interaction is returns. Unless I want to pay to have it shipped back (thank you Zappos for being the exception), I must still visit the brick and mortar store to handle most returns.

 There are two traits that I absolutely cannot stand in another person--stupid and lazy.  And lazy has permeated the local store that I happen to frequent most.

It started out innocently enough, I walk up to the counter with my bag of rejects and ask to return them.  The girl immediately informs me that I can make returns anywhere in the store.  I politely say thanks, even though I already knew this but I come to the customer service department because its what I prefer.  I walk through the store on my way to the "customer service" department--I rarely see someone on the floor who's not already helping someone else.

I get this routine from 2-3 girls at the counter of the next couple of months.  Finally, I push back a little.  Immediately trying to send this return to the floor, I tell her that she's told me this three times now and that I prefer coming to this counter.  I thought maybe if I pointed it out to her politely, she'd figure out that part of customer service is handling this stuff?  I'm not entirely sure, but if someone did that to me I would step back and remember that is part of my job and be a little bit embarrassed I'd represented the company I worked for so poorly.  This was not the case for these girls.

The past two visits, I've been told by girls who were on the phone (one might have actually been helping someone, the other was very obviously having a bitch-fest with a coworker in another department) that if I wanted to return something I'd need to see a sales associate.  The first time, I was a little shocked and just stood there and stared at her for a moment before leaving.  The second time, you would have had to been a complete moron to not notice I was perturbed--this was the bitch fest.  Ironically, the same floor sales associate handled the returns for me on the floor both times.  She was incredibly polite, very helpful, and even stopped the restocking she was doing once to help me out.  So the second time, I asked her what the deal was with their customer service department employees turning people away with returns?

I know it was a little unfair, but she handled it brilliantly.  She apologized, didn't throw them under the bus, and even tried to offer an excuse for them to make sure the company's reputation wasn't tarnished.  If she was having a bad day, I would never know it.  If she ever wants out of retail, I would hire her on that basis alone.

So, why am I writing what was is basically a long-winded whine session?  Well, this particular company is world renowned for its eagerness to help and please a customer.  In most cases they live up to that reputation.  And I have some returns that I've been putting off because I really don't want to deal with the chance of getting one of these lazy girls.  If I have to deal with one of them, my politeness has run out and I know I'm going to say something tacky and crass.  I'll ask specifically for her name, write it down in front of her so she knows I won't forget, and then I'll write a letter to the store manager letting him/her know how poorly this person represents their brand.

I've hit that point where social decorum no longer matters to me and I'm going to be the bitch that gets them in trouble.  I strongly dislike people who work in a job with "customer service" in the description and decide it's at best an afterthought.  I realize it's probably not their dream career, and that's fine.  I know it's not the only thing they do all day.  I'm not expecting them to jump over the moon and kiss my ass, just that they not make me feel like I'm inconveniencing them by walking up.  I'm merely asking that these ladies not be employees who put more effort into getting out of work than it would take to do their job decently.

What's the saying--for every good experience you have, you tell three people and for every bad you tell ten?  Tomorrow, to balance things out I think I'll discuss the people who've gone above and beyond when they didn't have to, and how it's impacted my business relationship with them.  I can't be a bitch all the time, right?  (Please don't answer that.)

I Wrote Haikus

So weird things happen in email sometimes that lead to hilarious things--and yesterday my coworkers and I got off on a random tangent of haiku writing.  Then I posted it to Twitter and said I'd take requests.  I got four.

On Baby Feet:
Scamper about you
Little toes curled and happy
Covered in vomit

On Elephant Ears:
Giant, round and grey
They hear the roars of lions
But can't run away

On Staples:
My Swingline is best
Binding makes me quite angry
I could burn this place

On Malbec:
French grapes make great wine
Argentina found this true
Nazis drink it up

I was quite amused writing them.  I managed to make a great Mike Judge reference, WWII escapee reference through wine of all things, and even one that was intentionally a little profound.  You want me to write for you now.  I can tell.  I promise I'll only be offensive if given expressed permission. 

I'll write a few more if I get another topic suggestion in the comments.  The more obscure the topic, the more fun it will be.