The Ugly Truth of Business

I’m jaded.  I’m not going to lie to you.  I’ve worked for some pretty terrible companies, and I’ve been a part of some organizations that when I took a hard look at their business philosophy and leadership, I was genuinely shocked they managed (puns!) to stay in business for more than two or three years.  But there are still some amazing companies out there… at least that’s the rumor.  I read about several of them in Forbes, Fortune, and the Wall Street Journal.  They make me yearn for a company I can believe in, support completely, and be inspired regularly to be the very best version of my professional self.  I’m sure each has their fair share of people who walked away thinking it was completely screwed up and they were doomed for failure, but I digress. Culture and fit is a topic for another day.

Back to being a sourpuss who wants to (look for the irony) get away from business by starting up one of my own.  My plan is a pizza place.  It’ll be brilliant—a giant middle finger Mecca for all those, like me, who are exhausted by trying to make a difference in the corporate world through silly things like morals and logic.  The name would be simple—Christi’s Pizza Parlor.  But the slogan would be, “Where we say F You to Corporate Rules.”  I know, it’s a tacky gimmick, but if a burger place can thrive on feeding 300 pound obese people for free and naming their food after life changing surgeries, I think I’m well within my rights of marketing freedom.  We’d hire teenagers to work there—because what teenager doesn’t love the idea of being a part of a lame rebellion?  Time clocks and scheduled work shifts?  Who needs them.  Inventory control?  Pfft, we’ll just order stuff when it looks like we need it.  Pricing strategies?  So over rated.  Health codes?  I mean it’s not like we haven’t all toyed with the 5 second rule at some point in our lives.  Market research and advertising?  I won’t have time for that because I’ll be too busy watching my kindred spirits flock to the place only to find out that there’s no guarantee they’ll get their pizza in a timely manner or even as they ordered it.  Who knows if the place will even be open during the lunch rush because my ever reliable teenage workforce might just decide they don’t feel like working that day?  It just adds to the fun!  Remember, I’m very dedicated to this slogan piece of my pseudo business.

I should be wildly successful.  I mean, I’m playing to all the things that drive people crazy about their jobs (including myself) and I’ve got a hilarious angle to make the place fun and inviting (although I may need to come up with a PG version of the slogan for families), and most importantly I have no real business plan.  How is that not a recipe for me to make millions?  I’ll have multiple venture capitalists trying to get me to franchise the thing out in a matter of months, right?

As much as we lament day in and day out about corporate policies, various procedures that we have to follow to get things done, and we curse the bosses who won’t bend on what we feel is the silliest of policies… it all still exists for a good reason.  Yes, the execution may be horribly flawed but the basic principles still hold true when they’re not twisted and contorted into something that becomes a farce of the original idea.

1.      You have to make more than you spend to stay in business (unless you’re a gigantic bank apparently)

2.     You need to pay your bills (hopefully promptly)

3.     You need to hire good people, treat them fairly, and help them grow professionally

4.     You need to evaluate your own ideas, processes, policies, and even vendors to make sure they’re still the best choice for the business AT THAT POINT IN TIME (more on that in a moment)

5.     You have to have a little fun with it and not take things so seriously all the time

Here’s the kicker—what seems like an almost idiot proof idea, the execution always seems to find that new level of idiot we weren’t prepared for.  Or I could take a slightly less sarcastic approach to retorting my own arguments: there’s simply confusion and interpretation that leads to the failed execution of these ideas.  Any time two or more people interact, what one person says is not going to be heard by the other(s) exactly as intended the first time.

So how do we get past that?  Is it even possible?  That's where the hard work and using common sense comes into play. Voltaire has been quoted as saying, "Common sense is not so common."  This couldn't be truer in business. There's a delicate balance between executing common sense ideas like keeping an accurate inventory to avoid waste or running out of something and dwelling on 20 different inventory reports that may not even be that reliable to begin with.

While my pizza parlor is the very extreme case, the rebellion has merit. Give people certain necessary boundaries but give them the freedom to work in a manner they enjoy. Make sure the essentials are tracked accurately and in a timely manner but let go of the things that beat people down and truly provide little useful information.  Use common sense--and if you lack it (it's okay to admit it), hire someone who can keep you in check.  And most importantly, have a little fun.  We spend a quarter of our time at work every week--and that doesn't include any commuting time, extra hours, or the time people mull over work issues at home or in their minds. While every case has the exception most people just want to do something they enjoy, challenge them, and makes them feel like they're making a genuine contribution to the world. Stop ruining it for us by making common sense so ridiculous it no longer makes sense.

Stuff I Like

Savannah, GA - setting for Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil and where I got married

Happy endings are for suckers.

One of my favorite poems is Edgar Allan Poe's Annabelle Lee.  A young man in love shares his story of pain and loss.  The description is beautiful to me.  The resentment, the anger, and the utter devastation--I crave it.  It's real.  It's part of the human condition.  Happy endings are for people who want to escape their reality.  Romantic comedies are predictable, and well, they pretty much make me cringe.  Blah.

I'm not interested in escaping.  I'm interested in the everyday insanity that so many people try to ignore or cover up or even pretend doesn't exist. I don't particularly want to be emerged in it personally  (I have enough of my own issues, thank you very much) but participating as a casual observer amuses me.

Give me gritty, raw misery.  Give me a story where the "bad guy" wins.  Give me a story where the protagonist gains a deeper understanding of his faults and how they're leading to his demise but ends up past the point of redemption.  Give me a love story where one person puts their heart and soul into the other only to have that person leave without an explanation.  Give me Iago's "Demand me nothing, what you know, you know.  From this time forth I never will speak word."  I love that his actions go completely unresolved.

I like to learn--and it seems there are far more opportunities to learn from chaos than from "normality."  Whatever that is.  It's probably just one giant charade that we all put on so others don't realize we're nuts.  I enjoy figuring out the logic another person used to get to their conclusion.  The steps I can't follow, well I chalk that up to the person being crazy and just not realizing it yet.

I like people who stand up for themselves and what they feel deeply passionate about.  I can even tolerate not agreeing with it to some extent--again, if I can follow the logic.  We shouldn't care what others think or approve of (short of being illegal maybe) and yet we're constantly trying to fit in, to find that balance between what we enjoy most and what our social circles consider acceptable.  We shouldn't have to try to live up to others' expectations but our own and yet I'm guilty of doing just that my entire life.  And it took me years to realize it.  Smooth, huh?

So I'll take the conflict, the disapproval of those around me, and I'll figure out for myself what makes me happy.  With the help of the people around me who "get it" of course.  Audrey Hepburn was quoted as saying, "I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone."  Yes, there is a difference.

Intro to Me



A demonstration of my sparkling personality



I started writing one of those "you need to understand me" bits a couple weeks ago in preparation for this blog.  I've been stuck on where to take it for a few days and decided to start over.  I was all over the flippin' place without making a real point with any of it.  Honestly, I was coming across as an as yet undefined breed of super bitch.  I must have been in a bad mood when I started writing.

Not to say that I'm sweet or even the slightest bit demure.  I can be supremely unpleasant when the situation calls for it, but I'm really a lot more than that.  I do have several tendencies that come across to others as bitchy, but in my defense they're not actually bitchy--they're honest.  Yes, there is a difference.  I'm really quite terrible at concealing my distaste for characteristics I don't find appealing and I truly do appreciate when people share their honest opinions with me--it took me several years to understand that most don't share my appreciation for no frills honesty.

So I muddle through often quiet and occasionally bursting at the seams with opinions that come flying out at less then optortune moments.  I've come to the conclusion that people need a dose of inconvenient reality now and then.  That's where I fit in and quite well.  Those who take offense to it aren't going to warm up to me over time, so I'm just not going to bother.  I'm comfortable with the saying that if you haven't offended anyone in your life then you never really stood up for anything.

So here I am--bitchy but honest and happy to be both.  Hey, at least you know when I compliment you it's genuine.  That should be at least a little redeeming.

Read Me

What's the point of this blog you may ask?  I haven't quite figured it out yet.  But I feel compelled to build some sort of writing portfolio to see if my lifelong yet frequently ignored hobby of writing could ever turn into something more.

I've gone back over some of my personal writing and realized I've complained about not doing this for years now, so it's time to stop complaining and start doing.  If it ends up being a fruitless endeavor, then at least I can say I tried.  I don't want end life thinking that it's okay to just muddle through without ever really taking a chance on something one loves.

So here it is.  I'm open to criticism (as long as it's genuinely useful--if you want to heckle, I must warn you I can sling it with the best of them).  I'll probably cover a wide variety of topics and it may seem like I'm all over the map, but I have a feeling I'll start converging on a theme or two most important to me as I continue to write.

I need to commit to this before I wake up one morning not recognizing the potential I once had.  I've been joking about writing that NY Times best selling novel for over ten years.  I've jotted down at least 15 story ideas.  I'll be throwing down during Nano Wrimo this year and really making an attempt to finish a complete draft.  I've started a few, but never finished one.

I want to write.  Despite all the articles and blogs telling the masses to never become a writer.  All the articles and blogs that speak of the boundless rejection, the impossible odds to overcome, blah, blah, blah.  I take them in and genuinely consider whether or not I should quit this silly idea and something always pulls me back.  If it's meant to remain a hobby, I can live with that.  If it's meant for more then I can't allow myself to never take the chance.