The Agony of Defeat

That's what it felt like this morning when I sent off an email at 6:30 am saying I wouldn't be coming into work because I was sick.  I've been cursing pollen and allergies for the past 3 days now, depriving me of my sense of smell, the ability to taste, the seemingly simple task of being in a quiet room and not coughing so profusely that it makes everyone else uncomfortable, sleep, and more.  This morning I chose to stop ignoring it and let it win.  I'd stay home, try to rest, and try to get better instead of continuing to fight through it like the stubborn mule that I am.

But it feels like I've been defeated.  Like I should be able to push through for one more day to finally turn that corner.  Like if I'd only stuffed just a little more saline up my nose, it'd break everything up, and I could get back to the business of getting everything done.  And just maybe, if I'd taken the time to take care of myself that first day, I'd feel fine right now and wouldn't have put myself through being miserable for 3 days before I slowed myself down enough to really fix it.

The entire day I've struggled to lounge around and do nothing.  I was able to take a short nap this morning, but it didn't last long.  I started cleaning until dusting induced a sneezing fit.  I looked into my closet and kept thinking it'd be a great time to tear everything out and reorganize it to minimize junk.  Don't even get me started on how badly I want to rearrange things in my daughter's room to make it all look just a little bit better.  What the hell is wrong with me?

Clearly, that question goes far beyond this one piece of my flawed yet endearing persona.  But I am genuinely beginning to wonder why I can't let myself unwind... ever.  Everything has some end goal in mind.  Everything is a step to completing something else.  Everything needs to be some sort of accomplishment and anything that doesn't fit into that little frame is just stuff in the way.

Common sense would tell you that taking a break to rest when you're sick is the smart thing to do.  In my twisted little brain, it's an inconvenience; an irritant that needs to be ignored so I can keep getting things done.  Even now, I'm sitting here writing instead of being sensible by trying to get more sleep.  Someone, seriously, stop me.  I'm completely out of control.

The Problem with the Squeaky Wheel

This is the face I'll make when I have my nervous breakdown.

Ah, yes.  That tired yet oft used reference that the squeaky wheel gets the grease.  Perhaps you've heard it a time or two?  If not, please tell me what part of the world you live in because I want to move there immediately.  I'm serious.  Tell me right now.  I will start packing.

It's a cliche that continues to see relevance because it's the approach many people still take.  The biggest complainers, the employees who constantly halt innovative ideas because they don't like change, the elderly person who gripes the most about how terrible the Jell-O is at the nursing home, the child who throws the embarrassing tempter tantrum in public because you said they couldn't have yet another toy they'll play with for 5 minutes then discard--they ALL get more attention than their silent counterparts who simply go about their business or do what they're asked.  Do people giving them the attention like them better for it?  Probably not, but guess what--they're still winning.  Even negative attention is still attention.

Therefore, as one of those fed up functioning wheels--tired of working harder for less grease--the following is my squeak filled soap box rant.  This is my screaming into a pillow when no one's around, hitting a punching bag until my knuckles bleed in sheer frustration, time to try out how the other guys do it to see if it really works, full blown bitch fest.  Tomorrow, I'll go right back to quietly doing what needs to be done and not constantly demand attention for it because it's just who I am.  For now, the irony of calling out the over greased wheel by taking their approach to do is not lost on me.  I'm going to relish in it for just a moment.

Do you know what's wrong with focusing most or all of one's attention on the problems?  The things and people that are going/doing well go unacknowledged and over time lose their motivation to keep everything running smoothly.  The people that work hard without needing a cattle prod shock to the ass see the how those who get prodded are the ones really getting the undeserved rewards.  The people that don't complain end up being forced to carry the weight of the complainer because it's a "teamwork" situation and the non-complainer feels some sort of obligation to turn in their best work where the complainer constantly makes excuses not to do something.  When the boss gives the complainer a raise to shut them up (doesn't work, by the way), the non-complainer begins to learn that advancement comes through excuses instead of the stated desired results.

So someone, please, explain to me in a logical manner with valid supporting points as to why this phrase such a widely accepted practice.  Someone convince me that it's actually better for mankind to be full of people who never seem to get anything done but are quickest to blame it on something they're not given as a reward before they ever even accomplish anything.  Explain to me how expecting to put in hard work first and then be recognized for it is actually foolish and uninspiring to others.

The way I see it from the functioning wheel angle, rewarding the squeaky one is only setting up for the entire car/wagon/plane/trailer/whatever for complete failure.  Whether you're intending to or not, you're rewarding the bad behavior and ultimately telling everyone that despite what you may say, you really WANT people to chronically complain and never accomplish anything.  You WANT people to constantly make excuses.  You WANT people to expect a carrot without the stick before they make even the smallest effort.  You WANT to be the only person to ever "fix" anything.

Yeah, and I'm the crazy person.  Last time I checked, we didn't land on the moon because someone complained it into reality.  GE didn't go from being Thomas Edison's little light bulb company to one of the largest conglomerates in the world by complaining about competition.  Are you getting it yet, because I can keep going.  Someone somewhere had to do more than was expected of them, be more dedicated than was fair to ask, and give more than what they thought they might receive in return.

And to end my selfish little "look at me!" tirade on a somewhat useful note, some complaints are valid.  If one person had the ability to think of every possible scenario to determine the best outcome for everyone involved, none of this would matter.  But each of us needs to listen to complaints and ask one important question when they've stopped talking--what are you going to do to fix it?  How would you make that problem go away? What ideas do you have that would improve what you don't currently like, and how would it benefit not only yourself, but others?  But then you have give them a legitimate shot at doing it.

Get away from the whiners--their purpose in life is to bring everyone else down to their level.  Then nothing happens.  And they'll complain about it.  And that's when I think I'm only screaming in my head in frustration but then realize every one's staring at me because I'm doing it for real.  Nobody wants that.

I Like Sports and I Don't Care Who Knows

I have hobbies that don't fall under what many consider traditional female interests.  I didn't get involved with them to make some moral gender statement.  I'm not trying to be some Alice Paul and make a broad statement that spits in the face of injustice and unfairness across the world.  I happened to grow up around some unconventional things, and I just happened to find them interesting.  I think the unconventional makes a person more intriguing with unique ideas and perspectives to offer. 

But it still irks me when the reactions I get are those of complete shock, as if it's insane for me to like anything beyond cooking, cleaning, and makeup.  It's almost as though my hobbies need to be mutually exclusive and can't possibly meld together in any form.  And yes, you may not see how pretty handbags and fire arms can co-mingle, but I do and that's what matters.

I started off justifying each of my "non-traditional" interests and deleted it all upon further review.  I don't need to prove I know anything about these things--I don't really care if I get your approval.  The point I want to focus on is that it shouldn't be so shocking for me to say, "I follow pro football" and have someone else try to decipher whether or not I mean it.

Maybe it's too many years of women feigning interest in "man things" to impress their boyfriends or to get more attention from a group of them (and if you're a chick who does that, STOP IT).  Maybe we're not as evolved as we think we are and still hold fast onto gender roles, despite the statistics that say those days are over.  Maybe it's just impossible to believe someone could possibly know anything about a sport/hobby that you almost never see the opposite gender openly participate.

Whatever the excuse, it's growing increasingly frustrating.  I want to enjoy my hobbies, not feel like I have to justify my spot at the table.  And just because I'm watching an F1 race, shhh-ing you so I don't miss a radio transmission, don't assume I won't go shoe shopping immediately after the race.  I promise I'll refrain from any preconceived notions about you in return.

This weekend is jammed packed with fun, too.  An Italian car show, the F1 race in Monza, A&M vs Florida, and the highly anticipated return of Peyton Manning taking on the Steel Curtain.  Personally, I hope he's really angry and takes it out on everyone.  One more month and I can start adding hockey back into the mix.  Yay!

I don't care how old this is, it always makes me laugh.  And everyone deserves to laugh on a Friday.